I wanted to share how this second pregnancy has been and the shifts I feel in terms of mental preparedness for our second son's arrival. It's been such a journey to this point!
My first trimester was pretty terrible. I was sure, to some extent, that I again would lose the pregnancy. I can say that if I were to guess, the hesitancy I sensed from my family and friends during this time can probably also be ascribed to this very real threat.
Physically, I was sick and tired. Literally, ill from nausea tenfold and exhausted from taking on a performance schedule, dance schedule and increased amount of special appointments for Nolan all while Jay continued to be swamped at work.
It was rough, to say the least.
I'd say the joy crept in right near the middle of the second trimester. I was able to hear Rory's heartbeat on the home doppler I purchased (highly recommend this if you are a high-functioning anxiety type momma), feel his squirmy flutters, and everyone around me seemed to breathe a giant sigh of collected relief when my bump appeared in its full-fledged glory.
Jay was able to feel Rory kick at 16 weeks when we were watching Braveheart late at night all snuggled into bed. So, his now surprisingly violent little feet had a clear personality-- he seemed to love hearing William Wallace scream "freeeedom" , so we looked into Scottish traditional names as Nolan's name shares this same lineage. Jay also found out his personal heritage through his adoptive mother and SURPRISE-- he's German and Scottish!
So life slowed down, my appetite sped up, my little freedom fighter growing in utero revealed his incredibly excitable spirit and Nolan came to love and daily talk about his soon to arrive brother.
Now at nearly 29 weeks, I'm plagued with rib pain and heartburn, and am healing from a leg surgery that was performed under no sedation as well as attempting to make it to delivery day without having to receive a long overdue oral surgery (pretty much a root canal on steroids straight from Satan's own imaginings)... but it is a beautiful time.
All the baby clothes are washed and folded. The new carseat will be arriving soon, my nesting checklists are nearly finished and our holiday plans are being tweaked to make room for D DAY!!
So, naturally, the terror came flooding back these past few days. How could it be this easy? Nolan knows the labor and delivery plan, he's counting down the days. Jay is planning his Rory and Nolan themed Scottish tattoo, my dance family and I have come up with a "who drives me and who continues to teach my class plan" in case my water breaks on the dance floor, the perfect scans of my healthy boy are displayed on my fridge and already are copied into scrapbooks and it all just seems so certain. That quiet voice now is whispering "don't count your chickens". There is some part of me that is reeling from this potentially wonderful new reality for my family.
Words couldn't describe the loss of this dream for us if something did go wrong. I can't help but let all of the what-ifs flood my system. I can't help but feel like a foolish little school girl as I picture the new year with Rory. Is it always this way?
If you have come from childbirth trauma, miscarriage, infant loss, NICU stays, surgeries, etc., be warned that this could be a particularly trying time. Be ridiculously gentle with yourself. Keep sharing what you are feeling with your family and friends. Write down the memories that seem to be haunting you, pray for peace that passes all understanding, stand on God's promises like never before and take the deep breath before the plunge. You're almost there!
Verses to live by during this time- Zech. 9:16, James 1:12, Matthew 11:28, Psalm 145:18-19 and John 10:10